Marriage and Family Relationships during COVID-19

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Last week I spent some time checking in with UA families. It struck me that some families may need resources on HOW to successfully stay at home for 8 weeks with a spouse and with children. Before the pandemic my own family was often like ships passing in the night.  Between work, school, soccer, and other miscellaneous commitments, our only time together as a family of four was during our rushed mornings getting out of the house, our 20 minute dinners at night, and time on the weekends attending soccer games. Our world "pre-pandemic" had an expected flow and routine.  Each member of the family knew their role and how to play their part. When suddenly we are all stuck at home together, it means that many things change- including our roles and the routines of the family. So throw in the stress of financials, additional parenting responsibilities, and less time with members outside the family and it could be the recipe for arguments and frustration.  Even the most healthy and stable relationships may need a few tips during this time of constant family time. Here are few tips and articles that might help if you are struggling to adjust to this new situation.

• Create a Schedule: As I mentioned before, a schedule can be the difference between sane and insane for parenting, but it can also help with your marriage.  Make time to talk with your spouse about the requirements of their "work day."  Negotiate who will help with your child's virtual schooling, make dinner, grocery shop, clean the house, and any other family necessities. Try to schedule in some alone time (even just 30 minutes).  Time for you to not feel the constant demands of parenting and working.  If you have small children, it might mean that you need to negotiate with your spouse on who takes them for evening walks.  
• Make a Written Contract:  I loved this idea from Psychology Today.  In essence each person in the relationship writes down the "three or four points (peeves and irritations) that are very important to their personal comfort that they ask the other person to respect." This can also be used with your older children and teens. At my house it would be things like- take care of your dirty dishes and pick up your dirty clothes. Click on the link above for specifics.
•  Give Grace: I love what Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW wrote in her recent article for Psychology Today, "The funny thing about relationships is that when we feel unsettled—uncertain, anxious, irritable or depressed, for example—we are likely to take it out on the people closest to us, the people we love the most, our partners. What makes this all the more confusing is that, rather than being direct about our feelings and having heart-to-heart conversations about our inner thoughts and vulnerabilities, our nervousness comes out sideways; we have arguments about the kids, how the dishwasher is loaded... We fail to recognize or acknowledge the inevitable universal tension underlying our accusations.  We blame our spouses rather than our raw nerve endings." This also applies to our children. Remember that when your child or spouse gives a short or terse response, it is likely the stress of this situation that is surfacing- so acknowledge it, don't take it so seriously, and grant some grace.
• Take Care or You: In life this is only one person that you can truly control- YOU!  You cannot control the feelings, emotions, and actions of the other members of your family.  You can try to influence the behaviors of others, but ultimately they are in control on themselves.  It will help for you to acknowledge this fact and then choose to take care of yourself. Complete activities that take your mind off the coronavirus and that bring you peace: garden, walk, mediate, make music, dance, journal, exercise, clean.  It's up to you to figure out what helps you feel calm, as this will make you a better parent and spouse. Here's a list of 25 self-care activities.

Hopefully these ideas will help you, your spouse, and your children mange stress and anxiety during your time at home.  Try to remember that this is just a temporary situation and try to take it one day at a time.  

Please reach out to your child's school counselor if we can be of help during this challenging time.  Our emails are listed to the right of this article.