Marriage and Family Relationships during COVID-19

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Last week I spent some time checking in with UA families. It struck me that some families may need resources on HOW to successfully stay at home for 8 weeks with a spouse and with children. Before the pandemic my own family was often like ships passing in the night.  Between work, school, soccer, and other miscellaneous commitments, our only time together as a family of four was during our rushed mornings getting out of the house, our 20 minute dinners at night, and time on the weekends attending soccer games. Our world "pre-pandemic" had an expected flow and routine.  Each member of the family knew their role and how to play their part. When suddenly we are all stuck at home together, it means that many things change- including our roles and the routines of the family. So throw in the stress of financials, additional parenting responsibilities, and less time with members outside the family and it could be the recipe for arguments and frustration.  Even the most healthy and stable relationships may need a few tips during this time of constant family time. Here are few tips and articles that might help if you are struggling to adjust to this new situation.

• Create a Schedule: As I mentioned before, a schedule can be the difference between sane and insane for parenting, but it can also help with your marriage.  Make time to talk with your spouse about the requirements of their "work day."  Negotiate who will help with your child's virtual schooling, make dinner, grocery shop, clean the house, and any other family necessities. Try to schedule in some alone time (even just 30 minutes).  Time for you to not feel the constant demands of parenting and working.  If you have small children, it might mean that you need to negotiate with your spouse on who takes them for evening walks.  
• Make a Written Contract:  I loved this idea from Psychology Today.  In essence each person in the relationship writes down the "three or four points (peeves and irritations) that are very important to their personal comfort that they ask the other person to respect." This can also be used with your older children and teens. At my house it would be things like- take care of your dirty dishes and pick up your dirty clothes. Click on the link above for specifics.
•  Give Grace: I love what Michele Weiner-Davis LCSW wrote in her recent article for Psychology Today, "The funny thing about relationships is that when we feel unsettled—uncertain, anxious, irritable or depressed, for example—we are likely to take it out on the people closest to us, the people we love the most, our partners. What makes this all the more confusing is that, rather than being direct about our feelings and having heart-to-heart conversations about our inner thoughts and vulnerabilities, our nervousness comes out sideways; we have arguments about the kids, how the dishwasher is loaded... We fail to recognize or acknowledge the inevitable universal tension underlying our accusations.  We blame our spouses rather than our raw nerve endings." This also applies to our children. Remember that when your child or spouse gives a short or terse response, it is likely the stress of this situation that is surfacing- so acknowledge it, don't take it so seriously, and grant some grace.
• Take Care or You: In life this is only one person that you can truly control- YOU!  You cannot control the feelings, emotions, and actions of the other members of your family.  You can try to influence the behaviors of others, but ultimately they are in control on themselves.  It will help for you to acknowledge this fact and then choose to take care of yourself. Complete activities that take your mind off the coronavirus and that bring you peace: garden, walk, mediate, make music, dance, journal, exercise, clean.  It's up to you to figure out what helps you feel calm, as this will make you a better parent and spouse. Here's a list of 25 self-care activities.

Hopefully these ideas will help you, your spouse, and your children mange stress and anxiety during your time at home.  Try to remember that this is just a temporary situation and try to take it one day at a time.  

Please reach out to your child's school counselor if we can be of help during this challenging time.  Our emails are listed to the right of this article.

It's OK to Feel Upset. It's How You Respond That Matters.

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It is not a surprise that with the change in school circumstances kids are feeling overwhelmed and this emotion can look like lots of different things. Depending on the age and temperament of your child, they may cry, withdraw, or act in an aggressive manner. Many times this extreme behavior occurs because kids do not always have the emotional awareness or maturity to communicate their feelings. Or if they are teens, it is likely due to the major adolescent brain changes that make it almost impossible to remain rational. Many kids just do not know how to manage intense emotions in a healthy way. So how can you help? Three simple steps may help.

1. Teach Your Child How to Communicate their Feeling with an Emotion Rating Scale: For older children and teens, ask them to rate their emotions with a number between 1 and 10 (1= this is the worst day ever, 10= this the best day ever, 5= just a normal day). For younger children use a Thumbs Up, Middle, or Down scale. (Up= “I’m feeling great, all is awesome”, Down= “I feel horrible”, Middle= everything else). Using a simple rating scale helps a child practice how to express their emotions. If your child is having an “thumbs-down” or "below 3", resist the urge to ask, “What’s wrong.” Instead, ask specific questions (have you been feeling like this all day, can you tell me what happened that made you feel horrible, etc). Listen carefully, take mental notes, and try not to judge, coach, or lecture. Your child may just need an opportunity to express his/her feelings. Use these questions as a way to help you child identify their "triggers." (http://hirukowellness.com/is-your-child-overwhelmed/)

2. Teach Your Child How to Control Emotions: Teach your child that while it is ok to feel intense emotions like frustration, anger, or sadness, it is not ok to let those emotions control them. The goal is to help your child learn how to calm down or cope when these intense emotions surface. Even better, help you child identify the beginning signs of these emotions before they turn into a meltdown. Counting to ten, deep breathing, and taking a break are three great strategies for calming down. Last week, Mrs. Beare also shared a free resource from calm.com that has breathing exercises, yoga, and more that may be helpful. (https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-help-an-overly-emotional-child-4157594)
When it comes to the frustration your child may be expressing with school work, make them take a break. Since the school closure, my own children frequently take Hank, our dog, on a walk when they have reached their "max" on school assignments. (Slamming pencils and huffing are their usual signs for needing to walk away.) Even before this break, I sent my children on "walks around the house" when they were so upset that they spoke to me with a disrespectful tone. As a bonus, these breaks also help me from getting "tangled" up in their problem and to remain calm. Oh- and it is very important that your child understands that this break is to help them and is not a consequence.  Explain the purpose of the break well in advance of a meltdown.

3. Avoid Reinforcing Emotional Outbursts: If you wish to teach your child how to regulate their emotions it is important that you do not encourage those behaviors. It's a fine balance between helping your child when they are upset and rewarding them through attention. Offer comfort, but also give them the opportunity to self-soothe (taking a walk, deep breathing, or listening to a mediation on their own). One day you will not be there to talk them through the situation and you do not want your child to learn that getting upset is the best way to attract your attention. Help them learn the skills needed one day become calm, rational adults.

Hopefully these steps will help you and your children when the frustration level is high. Remember that you are your child's best model for how to manage emotions. It is perfectly ok for you take a break or deep breathe when you feel yourself getting angry, sad, or overwhelmed. I know that Hank and I will be taking plenty of "walks" during this COVID-19 pandemic and hopefully my own sanity and family will be better for it! 

Mrs. Brun & Hank

Staying Positive!!

What a time to be alive, and believe me being alive is a special gift we wake up with every morning. One of my favorite quotes, "I once was sad because I had no shoes until I met the man who had no feet." In life everything is perspective. How you choose to look at it. During this unique time, it's important to stay positive. Families I understand you may be feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious, but take it one day at a time. Don't feel like you have to figure it all out or have all the answers. Self-care is very important. Take time to do something you always wanted to do like watch a movie, workout, cook a special dinner. Whatever it is enjoy that time. I know better days are coming and this will be over soon. We will grow from this experience and become better and stronger together. What can you do to self-care during this time? 
 

Union County Food Pantry List

If your family needs help with groceries during the COVID-19 state of emergency, please let us know by using this form.  The Union Academy Foundation is stepping up to help out our Cardinal families in need.  If you wish to assist the foundation with this endeavor, please make a donation by clicking here or contact Jenna Westbrook at jenna.westbrook@weareua.org.

In addition, the UA School Counselors have put together a list of local food banks and lunch resources for students in need.  See the list below or click here. Please let us know if we have missed a resource.  We would love to add it to the list.

125 Ideas to Keep Kids Entertained by: Parade

Avoid Cabin Fever With These 125 Ideas to Keep Kids Entertained During the Coronavirus Crisis 

Thank you Mrs. Mitchell for this! 125 ideas all in one place!

30 Days of Kindness

Starting on Monday, March 16th CharacterStrong will be releasing one Kindness practice a day right here. On their page, you can download a journal page, a socially shareable image, and watch the daily video. Tag your posts with #deepkindness so we can follow your magic!

We are getting started with this a few days behind, but here are the first Days Challenges

I plan to add the challenge each day on our blog and you can, of course, find them on the CharacterStrong webpage here. On their page you can watch the video and print the journal page (or just add the question to your own journal!).

Thank you Mrs. Mitchell for linking this up for us!

Free Resource from The Character Tree for K-2 Families

Mrs. Sylvestre found this amazing resource designed for K-2 students that is free through June of this year.
To sign up for your free subscription and find out more information please click the link below.
https://bit.ly/TheCharacterTree

The Character Tree explained by them:

Every episode of The Character Tree includes printable resources and activities. 

Here is what you can expect from each of our supplemental materials:

• No prep! Just print and use Teacher’s Guide with follow-up discussion suggestions 
• A printable book perfect for home/school connection
• Comprehensive check-in pages
• Template for creating a student made class book
• Engaging word work activities

Your Friend- The Daily Schedule

Please be reassured.  You are not the only parent worried about juggling work, parenting, and acting as teacher.  One thing that might keep you sane while the kids are out of school is creating a daily schedule or a to do list for your children.  Kids do best when they know what to expect. The sooner you create a schedule and routine, the easier your job as Parent-Teacher will become. On the schedule include school work, but also include activities they can complete on their own (chores, reading, coloring, puzzles, legos, educational shows, board games, etc).  Try to limit screen time (tv, video games, etc) and instead use them as rewards for completing assigned tasks.  Expect resistance and possible testing of rules during this time, but continue to be firm on your expectations. See these ideas below for possible schedules and chore lists.  (I've even included the To Do List/Daily Chores I created for my own boys.)
Sample Schedules

• Schedule from Kahn Academy
• Covid Homeschool Checklist
• The Brun Boys' Daily To Do List and Chores

Sample Chore Charts

• My Organized Life Cleaning Checklist
• Cleaning Checklists from Mom4Real
• Taste of Home Spring Cleaning List
• Spring Cleaning Jobs for Kids

So tell us, what are your struggles as a "Stay-at-home-working-parent-teacher?" What other tips or ideas would you like us to research and share?

STARR Commonwealth Suggestions for Parents

I want to share a portion of a newsletter I receive through STARR Commonwealth who focuses on trauma and resiliency. Our younger kiddos can ask questions with insistence and incessantly at times, especially when there is a sense of worry. The article includes suggestions for answers to those questions that help ease the worry. More importantly, it reminds us that although the circumstances are not ideal, many of us are being given unexpected time with our families that is precious. This too will pass and life's engine will return.

I encourage you to take note of the last bullet in the section I have posted. :)

Here is the article if you would like to read it in its entirety. There are several more great suggestions and ideas to consider. https://starr.org/covid-19-school-cancellation-and-trauma/. How we can all help our children:

• The most important thing a parent/adult can do is to remain calm themselves. Children will mirror the reactions of adults. So, pay attention to what you say and do! They will pick up on changes in your tone of voice and non-verbal body language.
• Answer their questions (even if they are repetitive and don’t make sense to you). Answer in a way that is direct and calm.
• Give children the facts in a developmentally appropriate way. If you do not, they will imagine something on their own that may be far worse as to what the crisis really is. Try not to engage in gossip or conversations sparked from social media panic.
• During a pandemic, remember these responses:
• “Yes, we do need to be careful about washing our hands and staying away from others who may be sick.”
• “The likelihood of one of us getting the virus is not high – but if we do, doctors will take care of us.”
• [Concerning COVID-19] “It is very rare to die from this virus unless you are very old or already very sick.”
• “It is okay and normal to be worried, scared about this—of course you are. We all are, and that is why we are doing everything we can to keep you safe.”
• Above all else, this is an opportunity for lots of quality time. Make new connections with your children or students (if possible). Play! Lighten up expectations (behavior, communication, academics, etc.) when children are worried or scared.

If you do have a child who seems overly worried, check out this article posted March 18.

Our Temporary New Normal

We all have a new normal and we’re all trying to adapt to the temporary changes. Students may be nervous and confused about what’s happening. Assure them that adults are making the best decisions to help everyone be safe and healthy. An important aspect of counseling is understanding not to focus or worry about things outside of our control. This current pandemic is out of our control, but we can control how we respond. Share with your child that with a positive attitude they can overcome anything. Students will be home for two weeks so let's make it fun. Create memories and enjoy spending some quality time together. Below are some ideas that can bring the family together and help with anxiety and stress. Have fun and enjoy your time together! Feel free to post and share family bonding or madness during our quarantine.

• Have an open discussion and answer any questions your child may have. If you’re not sure of an answer, to be honest, and say not sure. The goal is to reassure any fears they may have.
• Game night
• Movie night
• Dance night
• Charades (Google great resource) 
• Yoga (Youtube is a great resource)
• Read a book
• Write in a journal

Virtual College Visits

High School Students, 

Some of you may have planned to attend the National College Fair in Charlotte on March 22nd; however, it has regretfully been canceled. On the brighter side, here are some reputable websites for virtual college tours. 

https://www.youniversitytv.com/

https://www.youvisit.com/

https://www.campusreel.org/

Free Resource from CALM

I wanted to share this free resource being offered through CALM.
There is a section dedicated to kids that includes music, sleep stories, breathing activities for anxiety, yoga and lots more:
https://www.calm.com/blog/take-a-deep-breath#calmkids

There is also a section for adults/all:
https://www.calm.com/blog/take-a-deep-breath

Take some time outside today in the beautiful weather. Listen to the birds and animals as they wake up for spring. Feel the sun on your face and take a deep breath.

Please reach out to your school counselor with specific needs or requests or if you have ideas of what else could be shared to help our UA family.

Supporting Children Who Are Worried About Coronavirus

Now seems like an appropriate time to remind you of techniques you can use to help children deal with stressful events- like the current concern over the Coronavirus. With the constant talk of it on the news and the cancellation of school, it is no wonder that children and teens are worried and anxious. It is important to remember that kids take cues from adults on how to react to stressful events. If you appear worried, they will worry too. So how can you help your child remain calm and feel safe? Check out these tips from https://www.counselorkeri.com/.

And if you need some ideas on how to help your child calm down when over anxious.  CounselorKeri.com offers these tips:

As always, please let a school counselor know if you have a particular a particular concern. We are here to help. (And thank you Counselor Keri for freely sharing these resources.)

Welcome

Welcome to the UA Counseling "Classroom." Our department will use this page to communicate ideas and information with students and parents while everyone is learning in a virtual environment.